


but how could i hate her?

by royalbluesea



Series: i watch your eyes as she walks by (what a sight for sore eyes) [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak & Beverly Marsh Are Best Friends, Eddie Kaspbrak Has A Panic Attack, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, Eddie Kaspbrak-centric, F/M, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Idea inspired by "Heather" by Conan Gray, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Underage Drinking and Drug Use, Oblivious Richie Tozier, Pining, Plot inspired by Atypical and my life, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Soft Richie Tozier, Teenage Losers Club (IT), Track Star Eddie Kaspbrak, he runs track and is good at it, it's brief though, kind of, not by the losers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23458045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalbluesea/pseuds/royalbluesea
Summary: And no matter what Eddie did to convince himself he didn’t like Richie, it proved useless.He couldn’t control the flutter in his stomach, ache in his heart, or the constant, poorly timed thoughts of Richie fucking Tozier, and that was infuriating.It was infuriating because Eddie knew for a fact that Richie liked a girl in their math class named Heather.* * *Based on "Heather" by Conan Gray* * *This is a vent fic...
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak & Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Richie Tozier/Original Female Character(s)
Series: i watch your eyes as she walks by (what a sight for sore eyes) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698028
Comments: 4
Kudos: 73





	but how could i hate her?

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly,,,, this is a vent fic cause I need this right now ahaha  
> Crushes on friends SUCK!!  
> Also, I strongly suggest listening to "Heather" before you read this.  
> Also also, yes, I named the girl in this Heather. I'm so creative I know

**Why would you ever kiss me?**

**I’m not even half as pretty…**

* * *

Eddie knew he liked Richie. 

He was well-fucking-aware of the fact, actually. But, he also knew that he _shouldn’t_ like Richie. According to most of Derry, and a lot of people in the world, it was wrong for a boy to like a boy, or for a girl to like a girl.

Fortunately, though, Eddie had already gotten past _that_ stage of denial and had moved onto the not-so-rare stage of “Oh no, I think I have a crush on my friend!” 

Honestly, liking _Richie_ wasn’t even the worst part of it all. The worst part was the fact that it was actually _pointless_ for Eddie to have a crush on Richie. 

They would never become anything. And if, by some absolute miracle, they did, they would risk ruining a strong friendship. And so, by those facts, Eddie tried to push the feelings down, down, down, until they were gone, but…

They kept coming back. And no matter what Eddie did to convince himself he didn’t like Richie, it proved useless. 

He couldn’t control the flutter in his stomach, ache in his heart, or the constant, poorly timed thoughts of Richie fucking Tozier, and that was infuriating.

It was infuriating because Eddie knew for a fact that Richie liked a girl in their math class named Heather. 

Heather sat a row in front of them, and she was perfect. She was cute (according to Richie, and Bill agreed), funny, nice, and caring. She actually had consoled Eddie when he fell in track once (yes, she ran track with him). 

She seemed like a genuinely good person, and Eddie couldn’t help but be jealous of her because of it. He actually felt really bad for it, but obviously he didn’t have a choice over disliking her or not. 

He watched her now, turned back to face Bill, Richie, and Eddie at their desks to ask Richie for help on a problem (since Richie was probably the only student in the class who knew what was going on).

Eddie turned to Bill, hoping to distract himself, but Bill was working, so Eddie just looked down at his paper and tried not to grip his pencil too tightly as the jealousy broiled in his stomach.

_calm down calm down calm down-_

Eddie took a deep breath and tried to focus on the math, but the giggles from Heather and the definite flirting from Richie became too loud, and Eddie couldn’t focus.

Luckily, the bell rang, saving the brunette from his misery.

Eddie packed up his things as fast as possible, then he booked it out of class and out into the busy, crowded hallway, where he made his way to his own locker, which was where he found Beverly waiting.

“There you are! I-”

“Can I still stay at yours tonight?” Eddie asked, cutting Bev off, which he knew was rude to do, but he would have time to feel bad later. Right now, he just wanted to tell someone about Richie. It was a pain in the ass to keep to himself all the time, and if he could stay at Bev’s after school, he would finally tell her.

Beverly stopped for a moment, surely looking at Eddie’s face and trying to find out what was wrong just by looking. But, it occurred to her that that wouldn’t happen, so she smiled and nodded. 

“Of course, Eds! You know my aunt loves you,” She reminded him, elbowing at his side lightly. The brunette nodded. Beverly’s aunt was more like his mother than his actual mom, and he knew that she loved him.

Beverly’s aunt let Eddie come over and sleepover a lot, but only because he was out to both of them, so Beverly’s aunt knew Eddie wouldn’t have a crush on Bev. He guessed that him coming over a lot made her aunt grow fond of him, and he was thankful for that. It was nice to be comfortable and feel so welcome somewhere.

“Hey Losers!” Richie shouted as he walked up to the pair, and this quickly snapped Eddie out of his thoughts.

“Hey, Rich,” Beverly greeted her friend back, and Eddie just looked at Richie, who was grinning, so Eddie knew that something very good had just happened between the end of math and that moment. The brunette felt his stomach fill with dread, because that probably meant that-

“Guess who just scored a date with Heather!” Richie said happily, and Eddie resisted the urge to cry right there.

Beverly’s jaw almost hit the floor when her mouth opened. Girls didn’t really talk to Richie, sadly, because they didn’t really turn to guys with bulky glasses and corny jokes. But, apparently, one just had.

“No way! Congrats, Richie!”

Richie grinned at the praise, then looked to Eddie for more, but the brunette just stared back. 

“Why so quiet, Eds?” Richie asked, probably concerned, but Eddie forced a smile like nothing was bothering him.

“Nothing. I’m happy for you, Rich.”

* * *

Eddie had gone home with Beverly after school, and at her house they did their homework, ate dinner with Bev’s aunt, and then they baked some cookies together and went to bed. And that is where they were when Eddie told her.

“You know how Richie got a date with Heather?” He asked, and Bev nodded with her head propped on her hand and soft eyes; a sure sign she was listening.

“Well, I said I was happy for him, right? But…” Eddie tried to tell her. He had been ready to tell her all afternoon, but his throat tightened and he suddenly couldn’t speak. But, Bev spoke for him, for she seemed to know him well enough to do so.

“You’re not?” 

Eddie gulped and nodded.

“You like him,” She said knowingly, with a sweet smile, and Eddie nodded again.

“I wish I didn’t,” He admitted in a small whisper, and Beverly frowned.

“Don’t wish that.” she whispered back, running a hand through his hair in a motherly way. “I know it’s hard,” she continued, “since the world is cruel and has formed this awful opinion that has shamed you for who you love, but don't lose hope. The world is wrong, honey. Not you.”

Eddie didn’t know it, but he would cling to those words like a lifeline.

* * *

Three weeks later, Richie and Heather were a couple. 

Not even a decent one; they were the gross kind that held hands and kissed every passing period. They left each other notes in their lockers and always called each other when they couldn’t be together in person. 

Eddie thought it was gross, but Beverly would always make eye contact with the brunette and roll her eyes to add some light to the situation. It didn’t make him feel too much better, but it helped him smile through his pain, so he was thankful.

On that third week (Wednesday, specifically), Richie told the Losers that Heather invited him and all of them to a party that Saturday.

Eddie looked to Beverly with a plea in his eyes, and when Beverly tried to politely decline, Richie insisted that they should all go. 

“Please?” He asked, adding a pout into the mix, and his friends all sighed, but reluctantly agreed. 

“Why do you need us to go so bad if you have Heather with you?” Eddie asked, regretting it immediately as it came out of his mouth.

Richie’s gaze shifted to something unreadable, “Geez, Eddie. Can’t I just want to go to a party with my friends?”

Eddie flinched at the statement. He muttered a quick “sorry” and looked down at his food. He felt Bev’s comforting hand lay on his back, and he eased up a bit. 

“We will go. But if we want to leave, you have to let us,” Stan reasoned, and Richie nodded happily.

“It’s a deal then, Staniel.”

* * *

The party rolled around eventually, and it was a full blown nightmare from the moment they walked inside. 

Immediately, Eddie noticed that there were so many _people,_ and that made it warm. It also smelled, and kids were drinking, and smoking weed, and all Eddie could think was _why the fuck would anyone want to go to one of these for fun?_

Still, he walked inside, practically glued to Beverly, and he was desperately trying not to throw up while also trying to breathe correctly. His left arm was tightly linked with Bev’s, and he felt his right hand subconsciously reach for his inhaler in his pocket. 

He quickly pulled it out from his pocket, took the cap off, shook it, and inhaled a puff quickly before putting it back. 

Eddie knew it wasn’t real medicine, but it helped him breathe when he needed it anyways, so he still kept it around in case of situations like this.

“You okay back there, Eds?” Richie asked ahead of him, with Heather by his side, looking concerned.

“Yeah,” Eddie replied so quietly he thought that Richie wouldn’t hear him. But, the curly-haired boy nodded, offered a small smile, then turned to Heather and whispered something to her, and they were off.

Eddie glared at the back of Heather’s head for a moment in a selfish wish to be in her place, but he caught himself and snapped out of it. 

Beverly used her left hand to ruffle his hair. “Come on, Eds, lets have some fun,” She said cheerily, obviously trying to distract him. 

Eddie shook his head, “If ‘fun’ to you right now means to go into that crowd and dance, then no thanks.”

Beverly frowned, but quickly dismissed it, “Alright. We can go sit somewhere and listen to music on my phone if you want?” 

It was a tempting offer, really, but Eddie wanted her to have fun too, and he knew that she was more social than he was...

“Well…” He started, but was cut off.

“Eddie, if you don’t want to go in the crowd I’ll sit with you, and Bev, you can go have fun,” Stanley, bless his existence, offered. The pair looked to him and Beverly nodded.

“Thanks, Stan. What do you think, Eds?”

Eddie nodded, “Alright.”

Beverly smiled, then carefully unhooked their arms, dropped a small kiss to Eddie’s hair, ruffled it again, then grabbed Ben (who had probably stayed back for her) by the hand and dragged him off into the crowd of drunk teenagers.

Eddie turned to Stan, who offered a small smile, then pulled out his phone and some headphones. He gestured to the hallway near them that was mostly empty, and Eddie nodded, so they both walked over to the hallway and sat on the floor, against the wall. 

They listened to Stan’s playlist together for a while, and Eddie learned that Stan actually had good taste in music (despite what Richie said). 

After a while, Eddie spotted Richie and Heather in the crowd and frowned at the sight.

 _Why does he like her?_ Eddie asked himself, but he knew well enough. He sighed at the two, and Stan noticed his friend staring at Richie.

“Do you like him?” The blonde asked, and Eddie’s head snapped over to his curly-haired friend.

“How-”

“Sorry, Eddie, but you’re not that subtle,” Stan admitted, smiling. Eddie blushed, then buried his face into his hands. 

Suddenly, the smell of weed wafted into his nose and he remembered where he was.

A fucking highschool party with alcohol, drugs, and horny teenagers. 

Why the fuck did he agree to come here again?

Eddie didn’t know why, but he suddenly noticed a lump in his throat, and he felt tears form in his eyes. It was all so overwhelming for him all the sudden. He let out a heavy sob, then the music in the headphone paused, and Stan’s hand gently laid on his back.

“Hey, I’m sorry-”

Eddie shook his head, “No, it’s not you. I don’t even know why I’m crying,” he spoke out through sobs, then lifted his head up. 

Stan’s eyebrows scrunched in concern, and he looked over at the empty bathroom, then back at Eddie. The blonde got Eddie into the bathroom quickly and closed the door once they were inside. Eddie sat on the floor and drew his knees up to his chest, and Stan took a seat on the toilet across from his friend.

“We’ll stay in here so no one sees. I know you hate it when people ask if you’re okay,” Stan spoke calmly, as always. Eddie nodded, then Stan asked if he could send a quick text to Beverly about the situation. The brunette nodded again, and he continued to cry and breathe heavily through his sobs.

A few minutes later, Bev appeared and rushed right over to Eddie. She pulled him up into a tight hug and ran a hand through his hair.

“Hey, what’s wrong Eds?” She asked calmly, but Eddie had no idea. He assumed it was just the situation. He trembled in Bev’s hold, and she must’ve noticed, because she pulled back and frowned.

“Eds? You’re shaking.”

Eddie nodded and sobbed again. God, he felt pathetic. All of this over a party?

Suddenly, Mike, Bill, and Ben were in the bathroom too.

“Is Eddie okay?” Mike asked, and Eddie sank to the floor again. He felt too overwhelmed with everything going on.

It was _loud_ and there were too many people in the small bathroom, and the walls were practically thumping from the music, and Eddie couldn’t breathe. His heart was going too fast, and he suddenly felt like he was going to die. 

“What the fuck, _what the fuck_ ,” Eddie managed to breathe out, and he saw that Beverly was on the floor with him, and she was telling him something, but he couldn’t focus on the words. He saw Stan move their friends out of the bathroom. 

But, just as those four left, Richie burst into the bathroom, and Heather stood in the door.

“Oh my God, Eds, what happened? I saw everyone outside, I-”

Eddie started crying more, and he now clutched his inhaler tightly. He knew Richie was concerned, but him being there, with _her_ , made it worse.

Beverly, the absolute angel, turned to Richie, “Rich, please leave him alone. I’ve got this.”

Richie looked hurt, but he nodded and walked out of the bathroom with Heather close behind him.

After about a half hour, Eddie was back to normal, for the most part, and he left the bathroom with Beverly. His friends were outside and asked what happened, but Beverly answered for him and told them all that she was going to walk Eddie home.

Beverly wrapped a protective arm around her friend and the two began to walk out, but Richie ran up to them before they could get to the front door.

“Eds! Hey, what happened back there? Are you doing alright?” He asked, concerned again, and Heather stood behind him, looking slightly impatient. 

They had definitely been kissing. Eddie could tell just by looking at the two of them.

He was absolutely not in the mood to talk to Richie, so he muttered a “Fuck off,” then he tugged Beverly by the arm to keep moving. 

“What was that about, Eds?” Beverly asked, referring to Eddie’s rude goodbye, when they were outside. 

Eddie just shrugged.

* * *

Richie approached him that Monday at his locker between fifth and sixth period.

“Hey Eds,” Richie greeted his friends, then bit his lip (a nervous habit of his), and Eddie knew Richie was going to ask about the party, so Eddie shut his locker and turned to his friend with his eyes on the floor.

“I was a jerk,” Eddie admitted, then looked up at Richie’s face.

The curly-haired boy’s face scrunched up in confusion. 

“What?”

“You were genuinely concerned about me and I told you to fuck off,” Eddie reminded him.

“Well… I was kind of being rude. I mean, you were crying and I went and made out with Heather…”

“It’s fine, Bev told you to leave. But I was being mean just because…” Eddie paused, contemplating adding what he was about to add. He decided that he owed Richie a truthful explanation, so he added it.

“Because I was jealous,” Eddie whispered, then he bit his lip and his gaze fell to the ground.

A beat passed, and they were silent.

“You were jealous?”

Eddie nodded, and Richie gulped.

“Why?” The tall boy asked in a quiet voice, and Eddie made eye contact with him.

“You know why,” He said, then the bell rang, so he turned and walked to his next class, leaving Richie dumbfounded in the middle of the hallway.

* * *

Richie ended up avoiding Eddie for the rest of the week, and Eddie knew it was from what he said. He was out to the rest of the Losers, so Richie had to know that Eddie didn’t like Heather, and Richie was smart enough to figure out that Eddie meant he had been jealous _because_ of Heather. So, Richie would eventually connect all of the dots and realize what Eddie meant by the seemingly simple “you know why”.

Eddie wondered whether he should regret saying it or not. He thought that he might’ve ruined his friendship with Richie, but he kept his hopes up for a bit, like Beverly told him to. 

He hoped that maybe Richie liked him back and was realizing it, which was what Eddie hoped was the reason that Richie was avoiding him. So, he clung to hope, and Bev’s words, like a lifeline during that first week.

But, as Richie continued to avoid him the second week, Eddie started to realize that he might’ve really messed things up.

Eddie found himself at the track field of Derry High School late Thursday night due to all of the built up stress and slight anger from the situation. He was stressed about the whole thing, and he was angry that Richie was avoiding him instead of talking to him. At that point, Eddie didn’t care if he got rejected, he just wanted Richie back in his life. So, he went for a run on the field to (hopefully) feel better.

He did this whenever he was upset. He’d run around the field until his lungs felt like they would burst, then he’d take a break and do it again until he felt better or until he was too tired to keep going. This time, he ran around in a big gray “Derry High!” sweatshirt, since it was cold, and red track shorts, because he didn’t want to get _too_ warm. 

He ran and ran and ran and ran until he eventually slowed down to catch his breath and get some water, but as he looked over at his stuff on the bleachers, he saw Richie standing there, leaned against the side of the bleacher. Eddie froze as he saw the taller boy, with his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his jean jacket and an unreadable look on his face. 

“Strange time to practice,” Richie said, as though he was teasing Eddie, who was practically fuming because _that’s what he decided to say after two weeks?_

“Weird fucking time to show up,” Eddie responded bitterly with gritted teeth.

There were a few beats of silence where Richie chewed on his bottom lip and gathered his thoughts. Eddie stared and crossed his arms, waiting for what would come next.

“I swear I’m not stalking you,” Richie insisted, trying to be more serious this time after he saw Eddie’s anger, “I just… I wanted to talk to you.”

“Well, if you want to talk, I’d like to start,” Eddie said, waiting a second for any objections before he went on.

“First off… it fucking _sucks_ that you’ve been avoiding me,” The brunette started, and he took a moment to breathe and sort out his jumbled thoughts. He regretted it, though, because he felt the lump that had formed in his throat and his eyes stung with tears. Nevertheless, Eddie knew he needed to get all of his frustration out there, so he kept talking.

“I really put myself out there, Richie, and I told you something risky. I was open, and honest with you, and for that you gave me the silent treatment? I mean, did you really think that not talking to me was going to help this?” 

Richie looked down in shame, and Eddie paused, realizing how harsh he was being. 

“Even if you don’t feel the same you could’ve at least been there for me as a friend,” Eddie said more calmly, and he uncrossed his arms as he took a few steps closer. 

“You’re making me feel _crazy_ , Rich,” he sighed, “If I had known that you were gonna be all weird about it and that this was going to jeopardize our _eleven year_ friendship, I never, in a million years, would have even considered telling you how I felt. Because it is becoming _very_ clear to me that you don’t feel the same way-”

He was cut off by Richie’s hands gripping his waist and pulling him in close, then, they were kissing, and all of Eddie’s anger and frustration melted away. He didn’t know why Richie was kissing him when he had a girlfriend, but in that moment, Eddie didn’t give a fuck. The boy he had loved for years was kissing him, and Eddie was going to enjoy the moment. So, he wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck to pull him closer, and he sunk into the kiss. 

It wasn’t like the movies, where everything was perfect, and they just _knew_ how to kiss each other. It was kind of the opposite, actually, because Eddie had never kissed anyone, and Richie had experience, so Eddie was stiff, and Richie was not. Their teeth clacked a few times, and Eddie just felt like he was smashing his face against Richie’s, but honestly, as cheesy as it sounded, the fact that he was kissing _Richie_ made up for it. 

When they pulled back, they kept their faces close, and they both breathed heavily.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you that you were wrong,” Richie admitted with a small, breathy laugh. Eddie smiled so wide that his cheeks almost hurt, “Nice choice,” he commented, and they both shared a small laugh.

“So… are you gonna explain?” Eddie asked, and Richie just smiled and blushed.

“I, um… I like you, Eddie,” Richie said, and the brunette playfully rolled his eyes.

“That was _obvious_. I mean, what’s the deal with Heather? Nobody just has a girlfriend and suddenly just kisses their best friend, Rich.”

“Well, actually-” Richie started to make some silly comment about that, but he stopped himself when he saw Eddie’s small glare.

“Fine. I did like her, I think… but not as much as I like you, and not nearly as long. I guess I was trying to push my feelings away, and I was trying to use her to do that… It sounds bad, I know, but I broke up with her yesterday because I realized that the longer I waited, the more miserable I would make myself and the breakup would only be worse,” Richie explained and Eddie nodded.

“Smart thinking,” Eddie commented, and bit his lip briefly before quickly kissing Richie again. The curly-haired boy grinned widely, and the two stood there and smiled at each other for a few minutes.

Eddie felt really lucky. It was strange to him how he woke up that morning expecting a normal day and it all ended like this. He supposed any day could be like that, but he was glad that it had happened _that_ day. 

Richie broke him out of his thoughts by speaking up again.

“So… are you hungry?”

Eddie smiled.

“Yeah, I am.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> I hope it was good haha  
> I know almost everyone else in the world is quarantined too because of COVID-19 aka the coronavirus. I know it sucks, but if we stay inside now hopefully we won't have to deal with it again after haha  
> Stay safe everyone! Wash your hands!!!


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